bresser

i find myself trying to pull back down to where i was...it would be so much easier to just say enough and give in to it all... but i cant do that anymore. it was turning me into something that i wasnt. the real me doesnt sit and feel like shit all the time. now i know what nadine ment when she said i "changed"... she was right... i did change. and now im pretty much back to how i was then but worse. what i dont understand is why i had to let myself go. i know whats going on... i know exactly how to fix it... i wish i had caught myself sooner... now its going to be hell trying to pull myself back up again. especially alone. but thats alright. when i find myself thinking about things that i cant change... i do my best to put it out of my mind. there is absolutely NO point in dwelling on the past. there is absolutely nothing anyone can do about it and whats done is done. yes... its easier said than done but its true. if you live in the past... you might as well not have a future... there is nothing but "then". theres not even a "now". i personally would hate to live like that. ... i do hate living like that. so now its time to let it all go. there are things about myself that i have to accept. i am the way that i am... and when it comes to somethings... theres nothing i can do to change it. i cant change what i feel... i cant who i am. it almost seems like im powerless in my own life.

yesterday was a great day... although i woke up feeling like shit... just like every other day but i managed to get myself out of that state of mind from the very beginning. of course there were a couple times in the day that i just wanted to kill myself and get this whole fucking thing over with... but its ok to feel that way sometimes... as long as you dont act on it. im making sure that i dont. i havent cut in 5 days and im going to make sure that number keeps going up. as much as i want it... as much as i need it... its not helping... the only thing it does is leave scars so i can remember how fucked up i felt. all it does is bring me back to how i felt when i did it. its not worth it. not anymore. ..... but aside to that... the day went pretty well. i wrote a new song on guitar... despite the pain... ate... slept... went to the hospital and DIDNT have a semi-breakdown like i usually do... (an i say "semi"-breakdown because... nothing comes of it. it doesnt change anything... its just a waste of emotion if you ask me)... and did the "right thing" a lot... no matter how much it hurt to do. i now realize how self destructive i really am... i always knew that i was. but wow... most of the reason i feel like shit all the time is because of my own mind. i have to change my thinking. everyday i seem to be more like my dad(aside to the whole abortion thing). from the things hes told me about himself... we are way more alike than i knew... the whole... paranoia about why people like me. one time he said to me that had lots of "friends", just like i have lots of "friends"... but he was a floater... (just like me) and he never really considered a lot of people to be his friends. it was always "are they friends with me or are they friends because im good at guitar?". a lot of the time thats how i feel too. thats why when people want me to play a song for them or something... i have a hard time doing it. i dont want that to be the reason why they keep me around.

i also recently found out how much of an angry child i was. i always thought i was so angry because of my parent's divorce but apparently i tried to kill my sister with a pair of scissors when i was 3. why the fuck would i try to kill my sister? i dont understand... according to my mom i was "born angry". when she said it i thought... what a stupid thing to say. but then i started thinking about it... ive done... some really fucked up shit. ive broken doors... attacked people... thrown shit around (and i dont mean like... a book or something... i remember completely trashing my room... no wonder my sisters hated me)... and all i can think is... why? WHY was i so angry? maybe because i saw the trouble my parents were having before they split up? maybe because i somehow unconsciously knew that my dad wanted my mom to have an abortion when she was pregnant with me? maybe i was just born at a bad time for the family... i find myself thinking that everything would be easier for the family if i was never born. maybe my dad was right in not wanting me. maybe he knew that if i was born everything would be fucked. ive caused so much trouble for my family. i dont see why my mom put up so much of a fight to keep me living with her. i wouldnt want me... i dont see why anyone would. but theres really nothing i can do about that anymore. i am a VERY different person now than i was then. i guess raising yourself matures you a lot quicker... even if you dont let people see it... lol. there is the good in the bad situation... yes... ive basically raised myself... but i have a head start on everyone else.... or something... lol.

i guess the trick to being happy with yourself is seeing your faults... and knowing its ok to have them. yes i was an angry child... and im STILL a really angry person. why do you think i punch so much shit? lol... but i know how to manage it. i dont hit people... cpt spencer =P... so lets say... i dont hit people out of anger... i dont go breaking doors off hinges... and i dont really throw stuff unless im REALLY pissed off... so thats not very often. I see whats wrong with myself… and I try to change the things that I have control over… everything else… I just have to live happy with it.

Everything is a test. Its like you’re holding a gun to your own head with someone screaming pull the trigger in your ear… and you want to do it so badly… but what good would it do? You always have to find a reason to hold on… even if its just the fear of letting go. The point is you’re still here. You need to try and make the best of every bad situation. Its hard to do… I realize, but if you don’t you may end up stuck in a rut. Every bad situation has SOME good in it… you just have to look for it. Even if you completely crash and burn… and you feel the lowest you’ve EVER felt… you come out of it thinking differently… or at least I do. Its like finally admitting to yourself "this and this and this is wrong" the hard part is say "why" and "what do I do to change it". If you don’t try to fix it… you’ve completely wasted your breakdown. I know that it sounds weird to say "wasted your breakdown" but I personally think it’s the perfect way to say it. Every breakdown is the self-realisation of the problem. I personally live from breakdown to breakdown. That sounds terrible… but its true. I wait for it because I know that I will come out of it stronger. Also… I know that chances are, its my low point. From rock bottom… there is nowhere to go but up. Of course lately when ever I have my breakdown something usually happens soon after I start going up again… and I end up worse than I was before I actually had the breakdown… but I can handle it… even if I end up resulting to… other methods to help me through. For example… right now, both my wrists are fucked, my right leg is completely fucked, my right shoulder is bothering me from when I tore my rotator cuff, my left shoulder is completely fucked, I don’t sleep, I don’t eat, and my body is basically rejecting itself. She wont talk to me anymore, my parents have been divorced for 11 years, my dad lives two and a half hours away and I see him once a month if I’m lucky, he never wanted me to be born… and that’s no just my paranoia… my mom thinks that I’m trying to pull her down into her own depression, I’ve moved 100 times and never had anyone there… at least my sisters had each other, never had any real friends, had my entire grade turn their back on me, got COMPLETELY distoryed by a girl, my sisters never liked me and we never got along… not so much anymore though… and more often than not they would "gang up" on me, and I’ve basically raised myself for at least the last 5 years. ..got run on sentence?.. ALL of this shit is still effecting me… (That and a lot more… but that’s not the point of this post and I don’t want to get into my own problems.) Even the shit that happened forever ago still really effects me, but I’ve come to realize. No one can help you but you. You cant expect anyone to "make is all better". Not saying that people cant help… friends can help… a lot. They can help you to be happier for the moment, therefore giving you the energy to actually try to deal with the problems. Friends can be a major help, but in the end… ultimately, your own happiness is your own responsibility. Something I’ve noticed that I do a lot of the time, I tell people not to think… lol…yeah… what a stupid thing to say… I guess its for my own benefit rather than theirs because I don’t like seeing the people that I care about hurting. Sometimes, for the moment, it CAN be exactly what you need… but sometimes you need to think about it. I now realize that "not thinking" all the time is a way of prolonging your pain. If you don’t think about it… it will take SO much longer to deal with things. If you DO think about it and TRY TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO HELP YOURSELF (that’s the key part because if you don’t you’re only wallowing in self pity…) it makes it easier to get on with life. That’s just what I think though… if you want to think I’m just an idiot… feel free to completely disregard everything that I’ve said. This is just my own insight… my own thoughts. You can take what you want from it.